Still going nowhere with reading. no energy, can't concentrate, upset, depressed, so at least i have my reasons. i guess it is more of going nowhere altogether but since the only thing i do is read that is where i've noticed it. Seriously, since last week i've read a few more essays in my philosophy book, maybe 20 more pages of The Historian, started Fathers and Sons for the Russian Reading challenge and read maybe 20 pages. I did get through an Entertainment Weekly but does that even count?
I haven't talked too much on here about my mental state, prefering to use this space as space from what is going on. But now how i feel is carrying over to the one thing i was using to relieve that. The problem with being depressed is that you become hyper-sensitive to everything. I was not previously the kind of person who analyzed myself constantly. I knew how i felt about things, why i felt the way i did and i could articulate it well. but i wasn't hypochondriac the way BF is in the "oh, i had a weird feeling in my arm....maybe i have arthritis?" way he does. Now though it is so different. I eat a piece of candy and i wonder "is your appetite coming back?" or i cry twice in one day and i wonder if things are getting worse. or i have a good 10 hours and i start to think maybe things will get better after all. but they don't get better, so i feel worse.
should i be proud i fooled my mom tonight? she called on Thursday and said i sounded awful. I called them tonight as it is my youngest brother's birthday and she said i sounded so much better. of course, she couldn't see me so that is half the battle right there. I am far worse off today than i was last week but i was able to sound cheerful or normal. I can't manage that at work so i guess it is good i could do it for 10 minutes on the phone to family.