13 January 2008

Still Stuck

Still going nowhere with reading. no energy, can't concentrate, upset, depressed, so at least i have my reasons. i guess it is more of going nowhere altogether but since the only thing i do is read that is where i've noticed it. Seriously, since last week i've read a few more essays in my philosophy book, maybe 20 more pages of The Historian, started Fathers and Sons for the Russian Reading challenge and read maybe 20 pages. I did get through an Entertainment Weekly but does that even count?

I haven't talked too much on here about my mental state, prefering to use this space as space from what is going on. But now how i feel is carrying over to the one thing i was using to relieve that. The problem with being depressed is that you become hyper-sensitive to everything. I was not previously the kind of person who analyzed myself constantly. I knew how i felt about things, why i felt the way i did and i could articulate it well. but i wasn't hypochondriac the way BF is in the "oh, i had a weird feeling in my arm....maybe i have arthritis?" way he does. Now though it is so different. I eat a piece of candy and i wonder "is your appetite coming back?" or i cry twice in one day and i wonder if things are getting worse. or i have a good 10 hours and i start to think maybe things will get better after all. but they don't get better, so i feel worse.

should i be proud i fooled my mom tonight? she called on Thursday and said i sounded awful. I called them tonight as it is my youngest brother's birthday and she said i sounded so much better. of course, she couldn't see me so that is half the battle right there. I am far worse off today than i was last week but i was able to sound cheerful or normal. I can't manage that at work so i guess it is good i could do it for 10 minutes on the phone to family.

5 comments:

  1. The counselor in me can't help but suggest that you talk these things out with someone that can help. I hope you're not offended by that. The blog can certainly be a great medium for this but nothing beats interacting with helpful, listening people. I would also suggest that you visit the Poppet Planet website (there is a link on my sidebar). Lisa Snellings and many other creative/artistic types and those who just love art, etc. talk about depression and other issues in the Inner Workings section. It is moderated by a social worker and there are some really interesting things written there.

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  2. Thanks. I'll definitely check out the site. I am actually going to therapy and may be going on mind-altering substances in the near future. Not sure how i feel about that yet.

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  3. I can imagine it is a hard decision, Melanie. I am an administrator in a local community health center and it is something that I deal with alot and certainly can sympathize with. I hate taking medications of any kind, even Ibuprofen. It isn't because of any grand statement about life or anything, its just the fact that they cost too much, I have to remember to take them, and I usually just don't want to be bothered. At the same time I have seen so many people achieve the balance that they need and I know it works and is a good thing. I certainly don't know how I'd react in your situation...or rather, I do. Despite knowing all the good that comes from it, I'd have a damned hard time deciding to take meds. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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  4. My problem isn't so much an issue with taking the pills, like time or cost or hassle. I have just never known anyone who took them and was happy with it. Everyone had various side effects, from only mildly bothersome to more extreme. Even in some online forums it seems everything is 85% horror stories: it made stuff worse, i couldn't get off them even though it didn't help, it helped for 2 months then stopped, etc. I know that the only people going on line and bothering to post would probably BE the unhappy ones, trying to warn others off, but it is still bothersome.

    The other bit is i am afraid i'll be in the same bad position and just be ok with everything, like everything will still be shitty, i just won't care. If i am just going to be further numbed i don't know that i'll bother, you know?

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  5. I think the fears you mention are probably the most common. I can only speak from personal experience with clients and with family members in that I've seen it help tremendously. Proper dosage for a person, especially with anti-depressants, really should be only to get a person's brain chemicals leveled off to the point that you have some actual choice over the way you feel rather than being controlled by the things around you. Part of that is just finding a good doctor and being honest with them about what you want. It is a realistic fear, but you won't be walking around like a zombie unable to discern if things are okay or not. The meds are designed to make all the brain chemicals act nice and to be present at the appropriate levels. They aren't designed to change a person's personality.

    You're right about the forums, but that doesn't make those people's concerns any less valid. There are complications with everything, but the chance of anything major happening is so miniscule that it shouldn't prevent you from trying if it is something you, your therapist, and your doctor feel is a valid thing.

    I think with your attitude about it you have a better chance of succeeding in that you aren't looking for a pill to solve all your problems like some people are.

    Also, and its none of my business, but have you tried any of the herbal/health stuff out there? I cannot speak for its success, but certainly there are some people who swear by the results of doing things more naturally vs. chemically.

    I can certainly empathize with what you are going through because I know I would be in exactly the same questioning role you are in if the situation was reversed and I'm not entirely sure I would handle it responsibly. I'm pretty stubborn!

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